Certain times, when I read through profiles of people who claim that their hobby is travelling, I wonder if they are refering exclusively to the more civilised variety of air travel, a little lesser civilised form of train travel or does "Travel" also include the meanest and the most "courage-requiring" (if that constitutes a valid phrase!) form... bus travel.

It is an experience in itself.. bus travel. My average day begins with me dreading this experience. It is a marvel how an otherwise harmless looking 4 wheeled vehical can look like a monster with people falling out of every opening. Rude drivers, grouchy conductors, irritable people, bawling babies, the college girl cooing to her object of affection over the phone while trying to hang on for dear life, and about 10 other kinds of people make my "busmates".

I am almost of the verge of authoring "The diversity of the Human Race: A complete study".

On an average morning, I travel in that rickety contraption they call a bus, for around 45 minutes. For the first 15 minutes I look as human as you (a more uncomfortable one though). The 16th minute brings with itself an overcrowded bus stop with every person present there wanting to somehow make a contribution to increasing crowd within. And hence, by the time the bus starts to move again (roughly the start of the 20th minute), I begin to look like someone who has been out in a very strong wind. The next 20 minutes are spent enduring the agony of people stamping my foot as though it were a part of the flooring, trying to breathe some fresh (!!) air, laughing at the third person trying to remain seated on a seat meant for 1 and a half, marvelling at people who complain of a life-threatening pain in the legs, but dive at the slightest indication of an empty seat, cursing the person at the window seat, who has shut the window blissfully ignorant of the plight of people like me and trying to stand up and not get stamped all over by the people getting off (am I at the 45th minute yet?).

The last five minutes see me trying to make my way through to the door. Now, this is quite an elaborate procedure, and having counted myself amongst the women of science for three years in college, I follow a rigid procedure. Details follow.

Objective: To get off at the right stop with all belongings (Bag, Phone and Dupatta if i am wearing one).

Apparatus: A strong push!

Procedure:

1. Try and gather your belongings - Pull out the handbag which is presently resting between two other people who took it along during their journey from the door to the inch or so of empty place behind you. Check if the phone is still there. Try and extricate the dupatta from the tangle it is currently in. Wrap around self to prevent further tangling. Avoid wrapping the next girl's dupatta.

2. Congratulate self on accomplishing the first step. Ask the person in front if she is getting off, if the answer is in the negative, try to convince her that moving backwards to let you occupy her current position is a more convinient way of life for both of you. If she does not follow, or pretends not to follow, push her aside. Follow the preceding step till you reach a person who is also getting off at the same stop or the door, whichever is first.

3. Having reached the door, ask the people on the footboard to get off and make way for you. This request is oftentimes met with a blank stare, as though the language you employed is not used by ordinary humans in this age. In such a case, follow the "Push-aside" formula and get off.

4. Having finally descended, check if belongings are still there (Bag - yes, Phone - yes, Dupatta - trailing on the road, but still there)

5. Try not to look like a person who has just been put through a car wash by accident.

6. Yay!!

Observations:

1. The force of the push is directly proprtional to the speed with which one can reach the door.

2. The longer one remains in the bus, the more one starts to smell like a mixture of sweat, dirt and a variety of perfumes, resulting in a very stong urge to throw oneself out of the window.

3. The more violently you lose your temper at the conductor, the safer your feet are.

4. It is a lot easier on the nerves to walk!!

5. Becomes a lot easier if one is not wearing a dupatta.

Conclusion: Requires a lot of patience and can actually be pleasant on days when the entire population of the city does not want to travel with you in the same bus!!

And if destiny is giving you one of those rare smiles, you just might find a place to sit.. like I did today. Heh heh..